i was born a porn star she said
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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