drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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