i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I understand Curling. That high.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
