I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
