yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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