We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
