He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize