Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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