3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
