Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
