you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
