I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
