I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize