I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
