Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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