Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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