Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Someone shit on the floor
I look better un-naked...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
