i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
