Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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