Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
