im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Your penis caused this!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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