Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
