Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize