i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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