We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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