she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
