I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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