This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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