there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
