trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Someone shattered a urinal.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
