I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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