My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
