On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my poor anus
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
