it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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