Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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