I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize
