Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Green mimosas i think yes
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
