I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize