This is not my ceiling
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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