believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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