i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
