I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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