He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
