When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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