Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
