we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
