Soap is not a condiment
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i now understand why vodka
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
