did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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