having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
