my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
