dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
