dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize