saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
