just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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