omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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