watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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