Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
