he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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