I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
