I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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