i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
