She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
should my penis look like a turkey
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
