You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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