I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
