He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
