Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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