wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize