I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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