i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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