my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
