Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
