you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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